i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
