you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
