I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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