I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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