We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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