My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
