Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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