Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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