I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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