she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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