She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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