why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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