I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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