Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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