nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize