but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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