good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
