I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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