I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
