i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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