so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
