I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
