Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
