I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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