im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
