she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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