Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
