found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
