please come you make the beer taste better
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Enjoy the penises
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
