I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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