I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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