This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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