I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
