Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
