I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
