I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
