And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize