my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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