I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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