Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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