I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize