Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize