He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
