i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize