Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
