Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
