If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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