When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
