Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
