I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say š
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You know itās going to be a rough day when you scream āGet fuckedā at your alarm clock
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