There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
