I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
