1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
