pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
