I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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