I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
