Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
