i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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