I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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