I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize