Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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