420 ftw
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
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