I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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