i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
