My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The air was thick with penises
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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